Armchair Sports Authority

Looking Over Catcher Projections In 2010

2010-03-02T02:17:00Z

Last year Catchers were the bane of my existence. I thought it was one category that I could make up in other positions, but having two part time catchers didn't do me any favors and my late season trade for faux-catcher Brandon Inge, helped no one.

Well this season Inge is only available at Third Base, which makes him a filler at best, so I have to make a statement at Catcher this year. Mauer, Martinez, McCann, and Sandoval are all off the market because they are on other team's keepers list. So looking over the list I have a small group that are at the top of my list and I can't let slip through my fingers this year.

Matt Weiters - Weiters is probably my favorite. But I think he is a little overrated but if he falls a little I will definitely not let him slip through. The other thing is this is the last year of keepers, so his youth is not that attractive to me, but his .291 Batting Average is very good for my strategy this year.

Russell Martin - What !?!?!?! Is that 12 steals for Martin. If I thought he was up for that again, he might be higher on my list, but his Batting Average, Runs and Runs Batted In, are exactly what I am looking for.

Miguel Montero - I like Montero's 17 Home Runs, but that doesn't mean I am going to put him ahead of anyone else on this list because his Batting Average is still a little sub-par. He is still a very viable option in case the others are off the board.

Kurt Suzuki - Like his Batting Average, Like his Home Runs and I really like his Runs Batted In, which means I like where he his hitting in the line-up and I think he might actually be in for a bump in Runs.

Bengie Molina - Molina had an average season in Batting Average and Home Runs, and his bump in Runs Batted In might make him OK, if it wasn't for his very low Runs. Wasn't he like a top Catcher last year?

Geovany Soto - A little low in the Batting Average, but everything else is exactly what I am looking for. He could improve those numbers real easy this year and if the Cubs are healthy he may have a big year.

Probably not going to reach for: Jorge Posada, Ryan Doumit, Chris Ianetta, or Mike Napoli... but might be great for a number 2 catching option.

Trade Offs in Fantasy Baseball Drafting 2010

2010-02-28T17:31:00Z

There are only a few players that excel in every category across the board in your rotisserie 5x5. In fact, having 2 of those players can be a luxury. I have been looking over projections trying to find those players who might bring to you added success in some categories and tank you in another. Sometimes the trade offs are totally worth it, sometime they might not be worth the risk. Here are 5 that I feel may be totally worth it.

Dan Uggla - Second Base - Florida Marlins
Dan is your classic, I will give you Home Runs, but you are going to have to look for three other players to keep your team's Batting Average in a competitive zone. Based on whatever you are looking for out of your Second Baseman, he is going to 30 Home Runs, which is above the average for many position players. He is no Adam Dunn, but you have to have a plan for the average or you may end up punting the entire Batting Average category.

B.J. Upton - Outfield - Tampa Bay Rays
Here is the thing, somebody in your league is going to roll the dice on Upton before you should draft him as a trade off player. But based on the last two years' performance you should not be drafting him for anything more than Stolen Bases, and you should not be drafting for Stolen Bases on its own until well after the 10th round. His .241 Batting Average makes it tough to think he is fantasy elite, and at his age the upside remarks, just aren't there as well.

Jose Lopez - Second Base - Seattle Mariners
Lopez is not a sexy pick, but he is pretty high on all my boards. He hits lots of doubles and my theme for the year is doubles and that is why I am high on Billy Butler, Jose Lopez, Robinson Cano, and even Miguel Tejada. Lopez is a great pick to give you pluses for Batting Average and Runs Batted In, but I don' think his Home Run numbers will stay in the 20s thins year, but still the high teens would make this guy a top tier option at your Second Base or Middle Infield position. Do watch out for his change to Third Base though, his numbers are not the best for a Corner Infield position.

Jorge De La Rosa - Starting Pitcher - Colorado Rockies
I like Jorge De La Rosa, great Strike Outs, High Wins. The thing that sticks out for me is that he pitches with a high Earned Run Average. I think this is more of a product of his environment than anything else. But his other numbers make him a high pick, especially the Wins, but you got to watch out for that 5+ ERA.

Erik Aybar - Short Stop - Los Angeles Angels
Erik Aybar is surprisingly a top Batting Average competitor in the American League. That might be good for him in order to keep his job at Short Stop for the Angels, but past that, he is a low filler option at Short Stop this year. I am actually completely surprised how shallow the Short Stop position is this year is. Most rankings have him around the early teens, which means he won't hurt you in any way, but he is certainly not going to help you when it comes to other categories he should be helping you with, like Runs and Stolen Bases. With that being said, Aybar is a filler at best who will only help you in Batting Average categories, but he is only 26.

If Anyone Asks

2009-12-11T18:15:00Z

This is what I think of the Fantasy Football winners in my league.

A Close "One" For The Huskers

2009-12-06T15:51:00Z

The other day I said I was going to take up a new hobby, but then it dawned on me... I have about 18 other hobbies that I don't spend enough time with, including my sports "hobby," which has been in a lull ever since the New York Yankees beat the Philadelphia Phillies in the sixth game of the World Series... ah sweetness.

Anyhoo, I have been most fortunate to catch many Nebraska games this year. Many of them have been on the television here in New York City which helped me follow the dominance of one man, Ndamukong Suh. Trust me I have watched all of the great Nebraska players over my brief tenure as a Nebraska fan, 31 years is still a short tenure compared to most. But I have never seen someone blow-up a line of scrimmage every time like he does, and I have created players on video games that don't dominate the way he does.

In one word he is remarkable. And for the first time in a few years I was able to wash the bad taste that is Bill Callahan out of my mouth last night. Suh, might be the only thing he ever did right. But before I get on the phone and send an Edible Arrangement to Bill's house in New Jersey (and yes most every Sunday I get to watch him on the Jet sideline, YEAH!), I want to think about the number 1.

They were one drive away from beating Virginia Tech, they were one fumble away from beating Iowa State, and most importantly they were one second away from beating the Texas Longhorns and winning the Big12 Championship.

I know in life you can't look back and regret, but you can look back and learn. This team will do just that. Later today we will find out where the Nebraska Cornhuskers will be bowling this year, which will probably be the Holiday Bowl. And at least that game is late enough this year that I will be able to forget that the Big 10 somehow got two BCS bids this year and will lose both of them, handily.

Ohh and after the three hour drubbing he put on the Texas Longhorns, was I the only waiting for Suh to come behind and sack McCoy again when he held up the Big 12 Championship trophy? I mean it was only fitting, being as Suh had made him his prison bitch all night.

Overheard on YES Network Cameras

2009-09-16T12:06:00Z

What Rod Barajas really said to piss off Jorge Posada...

We Should Have Thought Of This Years Ago!

2009-01-31T14:02:00Z

With the success in the media that the Joe Torre and Tom Verducci’s book is getting, other former Yankees, pre non-disparagement clause, are rushing to their book publishers to get their memoirs published.

From the information that we were able to gather we selected some of our favorite clips from people who have taken in during he Yankee windfall but still had the audacity to say these mean things about the Yankees. They may be true but they will definitely create their own kind of buzz.

Gary Sheffield – RF

“Drove to the stadium this morning and traffic was awful, probably because they knew a black guy was coming to the stadium. Once I was in the clubhouse the toilet was out of toilet paper, they always doing that to the black man, probably Torre’s idea. Then I had to go out and play Right Field, definitely Joe’s idea and because I am black. Got a homerun in the sixth that drove in 3 runs and we won the game, but Randy Johnson got player of the game because he threw a shut out and I am black. But at the end of the day I love the Yankees because I’m a paper chaser”

Carl Pavano – SP

“Today was a beautiful July morning in Tampa. I awoke at 11 AM and made myself some toast. While buttering the toast I felt tightness in my shoulder, I went over to my to-do list and put down SEE THE TRAINER and thought about visiting the east coast later this month. It has been three years since I have been to New York and I bet the guys would love to see me, they always say things like 'nice to see you' and 'long time no see'.”

Jason Giambi – IB/DH

“Thinking about going out tonight and it has been a couple of rough days on the singles scene so maybe I will wear the thong. I haven’t hit a baseball in over two weeks; so maybe I’ll try the thong. I wonder if A-Rod still has it. I still can’t get over what a great idea this thong is and with the money that the Yankees are paying me I should get a real gold thong. You know throw my money away just like the Steinbrenners did. But, all I have to do is watch some more baseballs go by and eventually all my slumps go away. I never needed this in Oakland. There it was just my trusted personal trainer, my vitamins and I hit the ball a long way”

Why I Don't Believe a Word of What Stephon Marbury Says.

2009-01-29T03:08:00Z

If I had it to do all over again, there are a lot of changes I might make, but number one would be having started a blog devoted to Stephon Marbury. One where we track him with top notch reporting and GPS and Google maps and the whole nine-yards, even be able to see when he is at his “better hoes’” place of residence.

He has been the topic on this blog so many times we have lost count, our just failed to count. But thinking about his early this year and last year saga that is Starbury, I could have made millions just being an expert on him — and bought lots of his shoes.

Anyways, ESPN recently interviewed the off-again Knick about what he is up to and what his plans are. Steph keeps saying that he did nothing wrong and if the Knicks would let him out of his contract he could pick between playing for the Heat and Celtics this year.

How’s come I am the only one that sees through this? Of course he would make a great bench addition to either team. But do the teams really want him? Have they really been talking to him?
I find that hard to believe. But in Steph’s mind it makes perfect sense and it is an important bargaining chip against the Knicks. But if the whole squabble over a million or 3 dollars, then why aren’t the Celtics stepping up and saying, “Don’t worry about it, we will get you.” I mean after all it is the difference of two million dollars which in the NBA is nothing.

If you ask me, he is full of it, and the Knicks know it. No one wants his services, except maybe that Greek team, and his attitude in the club house and the press he brings with him is enough to disturb any well oil machine trying to make a playoff run.

Remember he went to the press first and you're going to hear it here first, “Starbury, you’re full of shit!”

Finally Andy signs with the Yankees

2009-01-28T03:10:00Z

We all knew it was a matter of time. He always seems to be a late bloomer when it comes to Free Agent signing. To think that he was dangling other interests out there for the same money he got from the Yankees is ludicrous. No one takes less money to sign with the Yankees. But Petitte will be a perfect fit for a rotation that might need innings, they say you can't predict injuries but after last year you got to figure that one of these big four, Burnett, Sabathia, Wang and Petitte will go down with something serious. My bet, is easy money and I predict it now the your next American Idle, A.J. Burnett.

Call me crazy.

Am I the only one thinking though they have to figure out what is going on in the outfield. And why in the hell do they keep dangling Xavier Nady? He is relatively cheap and is going to be a great hitter depending on where Posada finds himself in the line-up. He hits for average, plays great D and takes walks, we need this guy.

But a Damon/Swisher/Cabrera/Matsui Platoon in center and left scares me. None of them are a good fit together and there is nothing redeeming from any of them, with the exception that Matsui and Damon, who are great DHs.

But we are going into the season strong, now if they would just open up ticket packages I could plan my summer.

Why I like Kurt Warner

2009-01-28T02:43:00Z

You know why we like Kurt Warner, because he doesn't want anything except to play football. He don't want his own reality show. He don't want to date pop/country singers. His speeches always thank Christ and that is cool because that is who he has always been, he hasn't changed. But at the end of the day he is a football player and that alone makes him a great role model. He isn't hiding anything and everything he has set his mond to he has accomplished at great levels.

From his background, I am not even going into his whole background, I am sure we will hear about it a million and a half times in the next few days, but here is a Woot! For the Hy-Vee on University in Cedar Falls, their Chinese is f***ing awesome. But besides that he has become a 2-time NFL MVP, going on his 3rd SuperBowl appearance, he is a leader on the field and will be the starting quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals this Sunday, Yes the Arizona Cardinals. Warner makes the best of his situations though, he made the Rams the greatest show on turf and now the Cardinals look like a team that can win it all. But think about it, two of the lowliest franchises ever in the NFL, (not to mention the mentoring he did of Eli Manning in the middle) St. Louis fresh off of trading their best player Jerome Bettis and the Cardinals letting go of their franchise player of Jake Plummer, here comes Kurt Warner, not expected to be any better than a back-up Quarterback and lead his team not only to vistroy, but to championships. He believed in himself and it showed on the field. And his teams followed him.

He throws an ugly ball, he was supposed to retire twice now, but when it comes down to it I am proud of fellow University Northern Iowa Alumni, Kurtis Eugene Warner.

The Top 5 Worst Yankees Free Agent Pitchers of All Time

2008-12-14T19:20:00Z

What recession? By dumping a behemoth-sized pile of cash in front of C.C. to sway him back to the East, the Yankees simply did what they had to do. Yes, the contract is huge, and Sabathia’s waistline is huge, but if he brings October glory into the new stadium, none of that will matter.

Now that we have a legitimate ace on the staff, the prospect of Opening Day 2009 grows even more exciting. To appreciate just how important of an accomplishment this is for Brian Cashman and the boys, let’s take a look back at some of the all-out misfires the Yankees have made in the not-too-distant past while testing the free agent waters for starting pitching.

Warning: Some of the following names may induce severe bouts of rage and/or depression for the average Yankees fan. Please proceed with caution.

5. Kenny Rogers (1996). “The Gambler” spent just two seasons in the Bronx before being traded to Oakland for the infamous “player to be named later,” and never quite lived up to the buzz that stemmed from tossing a perfect game for the Rangers in 1994. Sure, the Yankees won their first World Series in 18 years during Rogers’ first season in pinstripes, but this was no thanks to Kenny, who never reached later than the third inning of any of his postseason starts that year. As everyone in Yankeeland knows, October futility will get you shipped out of town faster than Julia Roberts’ run on Broadway (unless you make $25 million a year and have fabulous highlights in your hair).

Since leaving the Yankees, Rogers showed why he doesn’t belong on America’s Team by doing his best Sean Penn/Randy Johnson impersonation and attacking an on-field cameraman during a pre-game warm-up in 2005. A silver lining in this failed acquisition? That “player to be named later” from Oakland turned out to be 1998 World Series MVP Scott Brosius. Thanks, Kenny.

4. Jaret Wright (2004). Did Brian Cashman bump his head and think he was back in 1997 when he pursued Wright to help bolster the Yankees rotation four years ago? Long gone was the cocky Cleveland Indian fireballer who flustered the Bronx Bombers in his first ever postseason appearance (’97 ALDS). Instead, Yankees fans were treated to a fifth starter who took the phrase “laboring on the mound” to a brand new level. With one eye glued to the scoreboard at the old stadium you would almost, almost, feel bad for the guy as the number on the Duane Reade pitch-counter climbed into the 40s and even 50s in just the second inning.

Watching Jaret Wright trying to retire the side was like watching Jimmy Fallon attempting to make it through a sketch on Saturday Night Live without smirking or even cracking up altogether. They would both make you shudder with disgust.

So, where is this mistake of an acquisition now? After failing to make the pitching-challenged Pittsburgh Pirates squad last spring, Wright is looking for work and wondering why Cashman won’t return his phone calls anymore.

3. Jose Contreras (2003). After a bidding war with the rival Red Sox to acquire the services of Cuban defector Contreras, the Yankees were hoping they had scooped up another Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez, a crafty professional who would slide seamlessly into an already stout starting rotation of Clemens, Pettitte, Mussina and Wells. Well, let’s just say that didn’t exactly happen. Contreras showed flashes of capability, but never really felt comfortable performing under the bright lights of Broadway.

The big righty’s worst moment in pinstripes came in pivotal Game 5 of the 2003 World Series against the Marlins. When starter David Wells went down with an injury after just one inning, Contreras came on in “relief” to promptly get rocked for three quick runs in the second, setting the tone for the rest of the game.

The biggest burn of the Contreras signing? After giving up on the overpriced hurler, the Yankees traded him along with cash to the White Sox during the 2004 season, only receiving (gulp) Esteban Loaiza in return. Contreras found a rebirth in Chicago and went on to help the Sox win the World Series in 2005. We don’t need to mention how the Yankees have fared since then.

2. Kei Igawa (2007). Oh no, the Red Sox just forked over big bucks to sign a Japanese pitcher, now we have to get one too. Such was the thinking when the Yankees shelled out $26 million just to talk to Igawa about signing a 4-year, $20 million contract. Add everything up and you get . . . the highest paid Triple-A pitcher in the history of baseball.

Is there anything more to say about this one? Someone, anyone, please just take him away!

1. Carl Pavano (2004). Who else could claim the top spot but Mr. “American Idle” Pavano himself? No-brainer. Hey, this guy had his own MRI wing named after him at the Yankees’ training facilities in Tampa. Let’s do the rundown: bad shoulder, balky back, bone chip in the elbow and even a strained buttocks (come on, that just sounds made up). All of these obstacles kept Pavano from toeing the rubber during his 4-year tenure in the Bronx. And if that wasn’t enough, who can forget the time the righty broke two ribs after spinning his Porsche into a parked truck, then failed to report the accident to either the police or anyone from the Yankees organization? There has to be something more to this story that we don’t know about. Like, was Amy Winehouse riding shotgun or something?

No one could blame Cashman and The Boss for throwing money at Pavano—he was the most sought-after free agent starter on the market at the end of the 2004 season, not to mention a Yankee-stopper in the 2003 World Series while pitching for the Marlins—but seriously, how could this one have turned out any worse? Pavano jumps out of the bullpen and picks a fistfight with one of the right field Bleacher Creatures?

Now that it’s all said and done, and Pavano’s stint with the Yankees has mercifully drawn to a close, the final numbers speak for themselves on what a colossal bust this signing turned out to be: 4 years, 26 games started, 9-8, 5.00 ERA. When the dust settles, Carl walks away from all of this with a cool $39.95 million in his pocket. That equates to roughly $1.54 million per start. A few more financial debacles like this one, and the Yankees may be next in line for a federal bailout.

The Monday Morning Call Out

2008-10-20T11:58:00Z

Please let it be known that The Authority wants to be calling out Yankees in October. But not just for these reasons. Mr. Chamberlain's arrest is ridiculous. I mean we all know there are only two things to do in Nebraska and those are watch football and drink beer. Hey it is in the Kool-aid. But driving home afterwords is a very bad decision. Which could follow the protocol of one of those ABC after-school specials where somebody gets hurt very badly in an accident of thoat kind, and their best-friend dies and then they start a chapter of MADD or something like that. But in a word the whole thing is, STUPID.

What it all goes back to how successful do you want to be Joba? Do you want to become the next Carl Pavanno? Or do you want to be like Andy Pettite (minus the HGH thing of course)? I mean we all like blow-jobs in the front seats of our sports cars from models like Mr. Pavanno, but when they lead toseason-ending injuries they could be thought of as a bad idea. And you don't have to spend you're entire off-season working out like Pettite (hopefully minus the whole Roger Clemens thing) but just be smart. And if you do put out a work-out video with another player, please have someone watch over it and make sure that it doesn't have homoerotic overtones. We thank you in advance for that.

That is what the whole decision comes down to. Of course your sorry. And of course you deserve a second chance, I mean hell you're on a team known for 4th and 5th chances if you're good enough. But for now let's save those chances until your 32 or so. I mean hell The Authority just bought your pinstripes, we don't want to go out and have to buy you're prison oranges too.

Ten bits of knowledge “The Authority” is about to drop on your ass!

2008-10-15T01:53:00Z

10. Pavlik Versus Hopkins is this weekend. Bernard Hopkins has officially wasted The Authority’s Pay-Per-View dollar the last three times he has fought, unless you count the hillarity of the gimp mask that he was wearing a few years ago. But we like Kelly Pavlik, ohh the drama! Never mind the fact that Pavlik is in his prime and is an excellent fighter, he still cannot make this fight worth the buy, or worth our time.

9. The Big 12 is strong this year because College Football is cyclical. What part of this do people not understand? Teams can only hand-out 85 scholarships so there is no more stockpiling of talent like there was back in the ‘90s. So the only way to build a dynasty is to have Pete Carroll and offer classes on the beach.

8. Brett Favre was actually calling to talk to someone else at Tony Romo’s house when he called the Quarterback. But being the gunslinger that he is he was able to regroup himself enough to make it seem like he was calling to be a nice guy. But come on, you want me to believe that he called to tell him that everything would be alright after breaking his pinky and making the Cowboys play Brad Johnson.

7. Hey basketball is starting! Yippee! We are here trying to plan the rest of our year because we can hardly contain ourselves. But the main question should be is why if the Knicks are so bad doesn't Madison Square Garden start offering cheaper beer specials. The place is like a museum, let's get drunk and make some goddamn noise!

6. Cowboys making news all over the place. So with one hand the lord (Roger Goodell) suspends Adam "He said not to call him Pac-Man anymore" Jones for four games and then they go out and make a terrible decision in trading the farm away from Roy Williams. I mean Roy is a great player but 1,3,6 for their 7th round pick, I couldn't even get Madden to accept that one.

5. The Red Sox are pressing and it shows. As comfortable as they have looked in the Post-season the last few years and even the first round of this year, they are pressing. If anyone remebers what the Yankees have looked like in the last few years remembers that you can't make up 7 runs with one swing of the bat.

4.The new season of VH1 reality television makes it difficult to watch Sunday and Monday Night Football. Not only do they bring back all of the skanks and worst women of the last two seasons of Rock of Love, they bring the worst person ever on I Love New York too by giving him his own show, ugh. They can't call it celeb-reality when they start harvesting their own celebrities, OK?

3. A Dodger exit. The Phillies are up 3-1 and the Dodgers seem to be teetering on the edge. The worst part is that they aren't even playing bad baseball or anything. We can't even try to come up with big playoff game cliches like "they aren't manufacturing runs" or "they are not getting clutch hits," because they are, but they are still losing.

2. Braylon Edwards finally makes an appearence on our Fantasy Football scoreboard. This season is awful and the gem of a pick that fell to the third round for us in Braylon Edwards, made us cry every week so far. Then we were out talking smack to our friends when we see Mr. Edwards make a comeback to the NFL and then, and only then did we package him up and try to trade him off.

1. Welcome back Michael Vick, but we don't want you. We here find it hilarious that Mr. Blank thinks that Michael Vick deserves another chance in the NFL, just not with the Atlanta Falcons. We find it hilarious that he would tell other people that hiring a felon is fine, but he won't do it himself. And we find hilarious that he is acting as a mentor, but the the only thing he will do is fill out a letter of recommendation.

Sayonara, Yankee Stadium

2008-09-24T02:15:00Z

It's official. Boston's win over Cleveland Tuesday night formally knocked the Yankees from playing postseason baseball for the first time since the strike-shortened 1994 season. Of course, it's felt pretty darn official for weeks, but now we can finally put a big fat "failure" stamp on the Yankees' 2008 campaign. We shouldn't be that surprised, should we? After all, Hank Steinbrenner told loyal New York fans before the season started that they would have to be patient as the Yankees entered this "transition" period, then began talking about looking ahead towards next season before the calendar had even reached August. Guess we all should have listened to the Baby Boss and tuned out this year while the most expensive "transition" team in history worked out its issues, often doing so in an embarrassing fashion. Surely time would have been better spent taking the season off and watching the everlasting saga of "Brett Favre: Will he? Or won't he?" while sprinkling in a handful of car commercials that show us how exciting and environmentally conscious it is to get 28 mpg on the highway. Hell, that's what everyone else wanted to watch, at least if you believe ESPN.

With the old Yankee Stadium soon to be replaced with a big patch of open parkland, every baseball writer in America will take this opportunity to tell us all about a personal connection with baseball's most storied cathedral, a story of a favorite moment there, or a little anecdote leading to how sorely the place will be missed. We'll call it the "Billy Crystal Moment" for all sportswriters.

The dramatic comebacks of the 2001 World Series. Jeter battering up his million-dollar mug while diving into the front row to catch a foul ball against Boston. Wade Boggs taking laps on the NYPD horse after winning the 1996 World Series. Perfect games by Wells and Cone. Et cetera, et cetera. The list of magical Yankee Stadium memories goes on and on, and this is yet another time to relive them. But what about the bad stuff? There must be things about the old ballpark in the Bronx that we're actually looking forward to leaving behind, right?

Of course there are, and what better time than the present to purge these ugly detractors before moving across the street to "The House That Jeter Built" next season? So here it is, the top 5 things we won't miss about Yankee Stadium.

No Beer in the Bleachers. This buzz-killing regulation, handed down years ago in an attempt to quell some of the rowdiness in right field, will no doubt carry over to the new stadium, but that doesn't mean we can't complain about it. For over a century now, baseball has been about (among other things) fans having a few beers while watching the game. It's as important to the sport as the bunt, the sacrifice fly, and even the excessive crotch-grab. But these prohibition-style rules have forced the most dyed-in-the-wool Yankees fans to resort to desperate measures just to have a drink during the game. There's nothing like sitting in the bleachers and enjoying a hot dog, a bag of peanuts, and . . . a smuggled in 20-ounce bottle of Coke mixed with Bacardi? That just doesn't sound right. If the Empire can't give us a postseason team, shouldn't they at least give us a couple of beers out there?
The Atari-like Graphics of the Jumbo-Tron. Every time Hideki Matsui gets a hit, the big screen projects the words "HIT-DEKI!" next to a giant image of the smiling outfielder made up of a yellow dot-matrix configuration that reminds us all how much time has passed the old stadium by. Remember how exciting it was the first time you printed out a "Happy Birthday!" banner that you composed using Print Shop on your Apple IIg computer in 1984? Yeah, well, that's what this looks like. If we have to endure yet another hike in ticket prices at the most expensive baseball stadium in the country, can we at least get a few colors on that board?
The Closet-Sized Hallways. Trying to walk through the overcrowded lines of refreshment-seekers and supply-filled pushcarts conjures up images of Barry Sanders circa 1991, cutting and weaving his way through the opposing team's secondary. Sure, almost every game is sold out, but do the Yankee Stadium tunnels have to feel like Times Square in July? Here's hoping the architects drew up some more floor space in the new stadium so we don't have to worry about bumping into that fat guy wearing the Giambi jersey and spilling mustard all over our shoes.
The Pretzel Situation. Ever get a craving for a Jumbo Stadium Pretzel during the third inning? But then you make your way past the madness to have one of the following things happen: (a) "Sorry, folks. It's gonna be about 15 more minutes before the pretzels are ready." (b) You wait semi-patiently in an enormous line only to finally reach the stand and see just a pile of broken pretzel fragments remaining. (c) You return to your seat, all ready to enjoy your pretzel, but your first bite tells you that it's even colder than your beer. Come on, people, how tough is it to bake a pretzel and keep the thing warm for longer than a few minutes? Is this the best we can do?
The (Tragic) Ghosts of Yankee Stadium. We all know how the ghosts have come out to somehow help the Yankees perfrom miracles on the field, but let's not forget that not all of these ghosts have been kind to the Bronx Bombers. One in particular still seems to be haunting this team, and that, of course, is the 4-game collapse at the hands of the hated Red Sox in the 2004 ALCS. Sorry to bring that up. Man, that still stings. Can we just get this season over with already? Who do the Giants play next?

The Yankees vs. 90210

2008-09-10T23:14:00Z

Matsui watches called strike three to end the ninth, and the Yankees lose another game (and series) to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (to this day, that name sounds as ridiculous and cumbersome as it did when the team announced the change). Anger! Rage! All you Yankees fans around the country are coming unglued at this uninspired loss, right? Not if you've been watching all season, because this type of game has become more than old hat for this squad. Remember the old days? You know, when September Yankees games actually meant something? When they lost a close game, you wanted to spike your remote control against the floor like an eighth grader circa 1993 smashing his Sega controller while claiming the buttons weren't working properly after watching his best friend put a grotesque finishing move on him with Sub-Zero in the original Mortal Kombat.

Watching them lose another one to the Angels on Wednesday? I tried my hardest to get upset, to show some emotion over A-Rod going 0-4 with another Hat Trick (that's three strikeouts for all you amateurs out there), but I just couldn't find it in me. To be completely honest, and I'm totally secure in admitting this, I was much more concerned with turning the channel back to SOAPnet in time to catch the conclusion of an important episode of Beverly Hills, 90210, the one where Brandon writes yet another exposé in the school newspaper uncovering the unfair treatment of an African American family who has just moved into the neighborhood. Sure, the Yankees losing sort of annoyed me, but this episode was an epic meditation on the citizens of a post-Rodney King Los Angeles and their struggle to shatter age-old stereotypes in order to find racial harmony. And this particular episode co-starred Vivica A. Fox. How can a fourth-place baseball team compete with that? The simple answer is, it cannot.

Come to think of it, this entire Yankees lineup could learn a lot from Brandon Walsh, particularly his level of tenacity while going after a big scoop for his school's award-winning Beverly Blaze. When one of Brandon's new neighbors refuses to help him locate an important would-be source for his hard-hitting racial discrimination article, Brandon refuses to lay down and quit. He goes another route to find the source on his own. No matter how impossible things might look, Brandon Walsh always finds a way to get the job done. To do what's right for all the clean white kids who have straight, shiny teeth just like him. This Yankees team? Not so much. When they're down in a game, they stay down. Sorry, Yogi, but in a lot of the games this year it has been over before it was over.

Imagine that. Brandon Walsh: a role model not only to 1990s teens all across America, but also to the 2008 New York Yankees who failed to reach postseason for the first time in 14 years. I don't know about you, but I'm proud to live in the only country where this is possible. God Bless America!

Too Little, Too Late?

2008-09-04T03:51:00Z

The Yankees entered this 10-game road trip in the midst of some unfamiliar territory. Never in the past 13 years have they been this much in jeopardy of breaking their impressive streak of postseason play. So the question becomes, will the Yankees go down quietly down the stretch like a band of overpaid chumps? Or will they at least try to preserve some shred of dignity by going down swinging, no matter how things play out?

Maybe a more appropriate question is, should fans even care about this rollercoaster-like squad anymore? This is a team that teases with sporadic flashes of offense, showing us how things might have been had the lineup only been able to consistently live up to the backs of their baseball cards. In order for the Yankees to make the playoffs, the stars will need to align and the seas will have to part and all that epic biblical stuff. Regardless, here are two of the most important factors that will come into play as the season's final month determines whether or not Yankee Stadium will indeed go dark this October for the first time since the strike year of 1994.

The Mighty Bat of A-Rod. Of course we have to start with the team's designated diva/3-time MVP. As he showed in the 9th inning of last night's 8-4 win over Tampa Bay, A-Rod is still the master of the tack-on home run. Okay, it was only a 2-run lead at the time, so we'll cut him some slack. But when you have a guy named Rivera lurking ithe bullpen, anything more than a run seems like a tack-on. Incidentally, this home run will go down in history as the first ever to be confirmed via the use of instant replay (it had to be A-Rod, right?). His first 4-RBI game in what seems like an eternity at least gave us a glimpse of the A-Rod we've all come to know and love or hate, depending on his last at-bat. Bottom line: If the clutch-hitting we saw all of last season from the MVP version of A-Rod doesn't resurface in the next four weeks, then the Yankees already near-impossible task of reaching October will be about as likely as the prospect that Madonna will ever be considered a real actor.

The Right Arm of Carl "American Idle" Pavano. You can almost hear the collective gulp from Yankees fans around the country at the thought of their 40-million-dollar MRI guinea pig actually playing a pivotal role in the team's quest to pull off what would be a monumental comeback. But let's face it, this rotation badly needs some stability with the injury of Chien-Ming Wang and the ineffectiveness of neophytes Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy. When you have Sidney Ponson and Darrell Rasner making 40% of your starts, and every game feels like a must-win situation, someone else needs to step up. And as unlikely as it would have sounded at the beginning of the season, it looks like Pavano will have to be that guy. The Yankees are now 3-0 in the righty's first three starts since coming back from Tommy John surgery. Fans will just have to deal with worrying about Pavano breaking a nail or slipping on a rosin bag every time he trots out to the mound. Would it be too much to ask for him to wear full-body armor and live in a plastic bubble during off-days? Bottom line: As a guy who's spent more time on the DL than Amy Winehouse (the first person in history to "OD" on marijuana) has in rehab, Pavano has undoubtedly been one of the most colossal busts in Yankees free agent history, but if he somehow strings together a month of quality starts to help the team squeak into the playoffs, then that $1.5 million he's making per start will seem like a bargain.

Another Day, Another Call-out

2008-09-03T02:13:00Z

So what is the deal here?

The too beautiful Tom Brady is not playing in the preseason. We really don't see what is so surprising about this.

When looking over his numbers last year, he seemed to have figured out the Belichick offense. He obviously figured out how to read the other team's coverages, or at least figured out the signals their coaches were sending in. So why is this front page SI.com news. Why does the press have such a hard-on for this guy not playing. This is also the guy who has had the same nagging shoulder injury that has listed him probable for four years.

Somebody is messing with you. And they got you fooled all the way. The whole thing is that the media is supposed to be telling me what I want to hear. Well Tom Brady not playing worries us not. If you haven't noticed, we know football. The guy hasn't seen a snap and we would still draft him in Fantasy Football #4. The top-3 are taken by running backs of course. And if you don't know who they are quit fucking reading.

The thing you should ask yourself when looking over Brady's health is, how does Randy Moss feel. If Randy is OK, then the Patriots offense is OK. Because let's face it, we still aren't sold on the Lawrence Maroney, Lamont Jordan backfield. By the way is the joke about Lamont Jordan being named after a television character still funny. And even if it isn't true, we would still like to take credit for the rumor.

So that is how you look at this team, Mr. or Mrs. Media. Who is Randy Moss. Because Tom Brady just has to chuck it down the field. And we will chalk this oversight up to lack of experience.

We All Deserve Better Than This

2008-08-28T12:01:00Z

We deserve better than this. The 87-year-old World War II veteran and lifetime Yankee fan who speaks of the old days, back when it was still possible to buy a case of beer at the neighborhood convenience store and get free tickets to see DiMaggio play in a day game at the Stadium. The South Bronx construction worker who looks forward to the game every night to help him wind down after a 14-hour workday. The retired schoolteacher in Westchester who looks forward to passing along to his son the same Yankees season tickets his father handed down to him. The vacationing family of four from Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin who buys Yankees tickets for five times above face value on StubHub. And even the hotshot Wall Street Yuppie stockbroker who rolls into the Stadium just before game time, sporting a $1500 suit and relaxed style Yankees Logan Franchise fitted cap (you know, the ones that look “already worn” off the rack so you look like a real diehard fan without spending the time to break it in), with his 20-something, silicon-augmented, Jeter-jersey-wearing blonde in tow. Him too. We all deserve better than this.

Battling overcrowded subway trains and highways, we show up diligently 81 times a year, paying the highest prices in the country for our seats, our beer, our Cracker Jacks and our lukewarm to cold pretzels, to witness . . . what? This? This is all we get? This “baseball team” who night in and night out struggles to scratch out more than a couple of runs against the likes of Paul Maholm (who?), Tim Wakefield, and now Paul Byrd?

It’s time for someone to stand up for all the Yankee fans out there that feel as cheated as I do. And, unlike the Clintons taking the stage in Denver to feign their concern for the struggling middle class, I promise I am 100% sincere as I take on the responsibility of representing others like me who wanted to be a part of something magical this season. Who yearned to experience one more dose of enchantment during the Cathedral of Baseball’s swan song, but were instead forced to endure the stench of a $200 million-plus payroll team clinging to third place in their own division.

In order to better address those who are currently dodging the fallout from the crumbling Yankees Universe, let me now quote two of the most important American figures of the past half-century. First, Malcolm X: “You been had! You been took! You been hoodwinked! Bamboozled! Led astray! Run amok!” Second, The Dude: “I do mind, The Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this [humiliation] will not stand, man!”

Getting absolutely crushed and embarrassed 11-3 at the hands of the rival Red Sox is just the latest debacle in a season filled with jaw-dropping atrocities to take place in “The House That Ruth Built” by a once proud and storied franchise like the Yankees. If this is the way things are done around here now, then I say the wrecking ball can’t strike this old building soon enough. Demolishing an iconic cultural landmark like Yankee Stadium may seem like a tragic event in history, but if that’s what it takes to help erase the memory of one of the most lifeless, gutless, most underachieving teams to ever take its hallowed field, then so be it.

Standing by and watching as the Sawx drove yet another nail in the Yankees’ already-sealed coffin had me so furious (I started flipping over to the Mets game before the top of the first had even ended) that it became difficult to even organize my thoughts, but here’s what ran through my mind during this royal beatdown:

·        During a stretch of bad games in 2006, former Toronto Blue Jays infielder Shea Hillenbrand reportedly wrote “THIS SHIP IS SINKING” on a clubhouse chalkboard before scuffling with then-manager John Gibbons. If this is how today’s player vents his frustration, then the Yankees equipment manager had better be sure to keep plenty of chalk, and maybe a few extra chalkboards, on hand for the final month of this season.

·        Watching the rotund Sidney Ponson’s “cat-like” agility as he crawled to his knees, picked up a deflected ball, and threw a shovel pass to the bulky Jason Giambi just in time to retire Coco Crisp in the second inning brought me back to Randy Quaid’s character during the final bowling tournament in Kingpin as he marvels at all the obese, beer-guzzling, hot dog-pounding bowlers and says, “Wow, it’s kind of intimidating to be in the presence of so many great athletes.” This could be the next in a long line of great tandems in the history of professional sports. Montana to Rice. Marino to Clayton. Manning to Harrison. Ponson to Giambi?

·        Before the game it was reported that the Red Sox had just completed a trade with the Braves to bring in . . . Another Whiteboy Outfielder (a.k.a. Mark Kotsay). This makes them the whitest professional sports team since the Utah Jazz of . . . well, any Jazz team of the past 20 years (This includes you, Karl Malone. What kind of brother wears chaps and drives an 18-wheeler?). Red Sox GM Theo Epstein is doing his best to assemble a roster that resembles a pre-1947 team. Maybe someone should remind him that Jackie Robinson broke the MLB color barrier over 60 years ago. Their biggest trade of the season? Manny Ramirez to the Dodgers in a 3-team trade that brought Jason Bay over from the Pirates. Goodbye, crazy Dominicáno with long dreads. Hello, plain-looking, polite white guy from Canada. You better keep yourself correct, Big Papi, or you’ll be the next one out the door.

·        How low has this Yankees offense sunk when broadcasters Michael Kay, Al Leiter, and John Flaherty are talking about Giambi having a “feel good” at-bat after grounding out to the right side in order to advance A-Rod to third with only one out? Whatever happened to the 5-hole hitter in the lineup driving in runs like he’s supposed to? Giambi’s average this year is a dreadful .205 with runners in scoring position. Oh yeah, that’s what happened.

·        Only 62 days until the Knicks’ home-opener at Madison Square Garden. Hmmm, a New York sports team making a mockery of their sport inside an arena that holds an unmatched historical, cultural, and monumental status. Sound familiar?

With Instant Replay Finally Making It To The Bigs, Let's Take A Poll

2008-08-27T03:30:00Z

Online Surveys & Market Research

Ten bits of knowledge “The Authority” is about to drop on your ass!

2008-08-26T02:45:00Z

This column has been left abandoned for too long. The fact is that most people have gotten out of line and that is our job to take you down a peg and show you how this thing is gonna happen.

Now here are Ten bits of knowledge “The Authority” is about to drop on your ass!

10. Brett Favre as a Jet is a waste of our time. He isn’t going to bring the Jets their first Superbowl victory in god knows how many years, he probably isn’t going to even lead that team to the playoffs. So getting excited about it is just a waste of time.

9. Gold medal for US basketball. Way to go guys. We’re supposed to win because we invented the game. No go tell that to the baseball team.

8. College football this weekend anyone? I am ready, time for the mismatched out of conference battles to begin. Youngstown State at Ohio State, Georgia Southern at Georgia, Florida Atlantic at Texas, mmm, our mouth is watering. Plus that means we have officially entered the Bo Pelini era in Lincoln, NE.

7. Fantasy Football drafts are running rampant this week. The Authority is tired of winning so we pooled our money together and joined just one big dollar league. Plus we were tired of playing the office douchebags who always say we are cheating, fuck that, ain’t no way we broke into your computer, put a keystroke code on, and switched out your entire line-up. Nuh-huh, didn’t happen.

6. Joba Chamberlain is for real. If the Yankees brass wants to stop treating him like a little baby, he would be fine. The man is all growns up so let’s give him a little room to pitch threw whatever he feels is ailing him. If we see another story where he gets stiffness in his shoulder and they fly him off to Dr. James Andrews. It is like trying to breathe with no air. Shit, that line from the song still doesn't make any sense.

5. Kicking the refs, or officials, or whatever they are, is cool in Taekwondo, because let’s face it. No one was watching it in the first place. Plus, we then get to hear Fidel Castro, the original trash talker, throw some lines out about terrible officiating and the “mercenaries” that left Cuba to play baseball in the United States.

4. Democrats in Denver, we can only think one thing. Opening of Obama’s acceptance speech, John Elway comes out throws it to him in the Endzone. Democrats Win! Democrats Win! Ohh wait, John Elway is a Republican.

3. Baseball is just getting heated up. The Yankees aren’t out of it, hell the Blue Jays aren’t even out of it, so until that happens, we still got the potential of almost anyone playing in the Fall. But if Boston lost that would be pretty cool. Because they suck. And they are smelly. And we just can’t stand Paps, Yuke or JD Drew.

2. There is some real Tennis going on in New York this week. Don’t believe us? Go out to Flushing Meadows and see the hundreds of sucky players play while waiting for the really good ones to play, only to find out that your ticket doesn’t get you into that venue.

1.StubHub is the biggest rip off in all of ticket selling. They want 15 percent and won’t even let you email the tickets. They really suck that way. And you know they are charging huge fees on the other side too. How hard is it to hold on to an electronic ticket and wait for the person to pay for it? Mmm, not very, so just wait until someone else comes up with a better way and hopefully you will be done, because you make us sick.

Why we love "The Can" or otherwise known as the Pepsi Center

2008-08-25T12:27:00Z

Even though Barack Obama will be making his acceptance speech at Invesco Field at Mile High there will be some big politicking going on at the Pepsi Center right around the corner. We welcome you Democratic Convention 2008. And salute you Denver, ohh wait we are saluting becuase we already skipped ahead to Jenna Fisher.

We here thought we might take a few seconds and tell you some of our other favorite moments at “The Can” and why.

6. The center was used in aerial shot of the 2007 film Blades of Glory starring Will Ferrell. We are not making this up people, it is on the Web.

5. The NCAA Men's ice hockey Frozen Four tournament was held at the arena in 2008.

4. SmackDown Vengence, July 27^th, 2003, brings us two very awesome matches where Kurt Angle defeats Brock Lesnar and the Big Show in 3-way match. And Eddy Guerrero defeats Chris Benoit for the unified US Championship/Intercontinental Belt.

3. December 16th, 2006, Allen Iverson, formerly of the lowly Philadelphia 76ers, becomes a fixture at the Pepsi Center when he is traded to the, mediocre on a good night, Denver Nuggets. Even with the team of Iverson and Carmelo the Nuggets haven’t won anything so him getting traded there is the biggest news.

2. According to Wikipedia, The Can also hosted the International Convention and Contests of the Barbershop Harmony Society, a men's singing organization. We bet that is just a hoot!

1. June 9th, 2001 The Colorado Avalanche defeat the New Jersey Devils to win their second ever Stanley Cup. You better stay out of the way of that Sakic wicked wrister, it will get you every time and it got the Devils in Game 7 of this series.

Olympics...Over? Ohh Well.

2008-08-21T12:16:00Z

So the Olympics are almost over. Ho hum.

I mean honestly between Women's Volleyball, Michael Phelps and the Dream Team there was barely anything else to write about. And even Phelps didn't catch on until after he won like 3 or 4 golds already.

But the Authority would be lying if they said they didn't think that the bling they earned was pretty tight. In fact having a couple of those around our neck might just earn us some points with the ladies. Not that we needed any extra points, that would be like kicking a field goal with time expiring and you are already up by 49 points. But we would do it anyways.

Alas, the Authority hung up their competitive athletic prowess a few years back and are pretty sure they would need some help winning a gold in London in 2012. The help we would need would namely have to be from the committee that sets up new events. We see ourselves competing for the gold in following type categories:

5. Sitting around on the couch watching crappy reality televisions. We would be able to skate through anything put in our way that was on VH1, it might get a little tricky when they start running back to back episodes of John and Kate plus Eight.

4. Complaining about Jimmy Traina and his Hot Clicks board. There ain't one day that doesn't go by where the Authority isn't turning to somebody at his work saying what the F#$% is up with this guy. We all know it is a matter of time before Erin Andrews has him served with papers.

3. Purposing outrageous trades in your Fantasy Football League. Tom Brady for Tony Gonzalez and the Tampa Bay D, yeah we offered that one earlier this week. What you gonna do about it? Reject it?

2. Overreacting about the Yankees last lost. So what, we get caught up in the moment, but remember, Carl Pavano is pitching this weekend, we have right to overreact.

1. Is annoying other people's girlfriends. Yeah the Authority is that guy. Put a couple drinks in me and I will tell her everything that you did in college. And so what? The truth would have came out sooner or later. Ohh, wait, you were just not going to tell her about the Marine who had just got back from Iraq and wanted to rock your socks all night, yep, couldn't stop myself from telling that one either.

Posting #50 with a Vengence

2008-08-20T12:05:00Z

We're calling out one of the greats today.

One of the greatest ever...Mr. Brett Favre...could you please make your way down to the ring so we CAN CALL YOUR ASS OUT!

WTF? First you retire and there is fanfare. You are a first ballot Hall of Famer, no question. You were even given the token ESPN cutting away from Women's Billiards in the middle of the day to show your Press Conference.

But then you got greedy. Maybe you missed the attention. Maybe you liked the questions about playing another year, but you missed the point. THOSE QUESTIONS ARE ASKED TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU RETIRED TOO EARLY.

You took them the wrong way, of course you are done in the NFL, the Packers knew it. You left on a good note and now look at you, you're wearing a dull green and white Jets Jersey.

We can't wait until week 4 when the Jets are 1-3 and you put that jersey over your pads and think, "What have I done?"

You're going to find out how much disarray the Jets are in and get injured in week 6 and then the only thing we are going to hear about is how Brett thinks he may be back this week.

Plus every time I pass a sporting goods store it is nothing but your jersey. NYJets.com has its own Brett Favre merchandise page...with over three pages of crap!

Please...give me a Vernon Gholston jersey any day.

Say It Ain't So Lenny!

2008-06-12T19:31:00Z

The Authority is taking time off from his month long period of taking time off from working to bring his four and half readers this bit of crucial information.

In an article postdated from the future, Joshua Lipton from Forbes.com raises the question whether Players Club Founder and former Big leaguer Mr. Lenny Dykstra “has been picking many of those stocks or relying on a seasoned stand-in.”

And as shocking and awful as this claim may sounds, this information has the potential to shake the sporting world to its three-time surgically repaired knees.

Lenny Dykstra isn’t picking his own stocks? Wow, you almost have to say it three times before it really hits you.

The shock-wave can be seen all over the world. Young aspiring stockbrokers have lost their Major League mentor, public goofball figures now have to face the realization that maybe they cannot go straight and baseball players will only be able to fall back on their ridiculous good looks and superior athletic abilities in order to just get by. Earth shattering to many other groups also!

For shame to you, Mr. Dykstra, you have let us all down. Because we totally bought it that you didn't do steroids.

The Authority Strikes Back

2008-04-06T02:18:00Z

Yea, so what, The Authority has been busy. What are you going to do about it anyways?

That’s right, sit back and listen to the knowledge that is about to be dropped on you.

There is something going on right now that has The Authority in a little bit of a fervor, The NCAA tournament. Ohh, by no means are we saying that we don’t enjoy Basketball, far from it. But the tournament this year is disgusting. (And so was our Bracket, ugh.)

With the Final game scheduled for Monday there are a few things this year that have really pissed us off.

10. Michael Beasley and O.J Mayo’s early exits.

These guys are electric and look for them to shine with dim to medium luminescence next year at your token lottery NBA team next year.

9. Coach K

The Authority works with a Tar-Heel, so pissing him off by saying we miss Duke is worth a spot on our countdown anytime.

8. The diminishing number of games

So you start off with a flurry, then we got to wait, then we got less and less games. Could we have a handful of games in the middle for some B.S. consolation prize? That would be awesome and keep the energy intense. And be another excuse to drink beer on a Thursday afternoon.

7. Jim Nantz and his infinite knowledge

How does this guy know everything about everything? He sounds this smart when he announce golf and football too. We are confused.

6. Bobby Knight

The only Bobby Knight appearances were in commercials, lame. Could he just come into the game and throw something, or maybe just more footage of him hunting.

5. The Day of the Final Game

Monday? Monday? WTF? We got RAW and The Authority has to be at work in the morning, after that it all a crap-shoot. And if my girlfriend even tries to go for the remote to turn it HIMYM, I swear to God.

4. The Smack talk

The guy that wears a tie everyday to work, yes even with blue jeans and stands by the water cooler and talks about how awesome his bracket is this year. Hey Fuckhead, way to go, you had all #1 picks go to the Final Four, Way to go. . . douchebag.

3. Our Boss

That fact that our boss is one of those guys (noticed how we didn't say douchebag, I gots a mortgage to think about) that picked all #1 seeds to advance and we can’t go up to him and tell him how much of a fucking college basketball genius he is. (There may have been sarcasm in the end there.)

2. Baseball Season

The fact that Baseball starts in the middle of the Madness is just a conflict of interest. The Authority is in need the of a little break between the Fantasy Baseball drafts and the Tournament, translation, there are only so much time during the day to act like you are being productive while actually checking out Jake Peavy home and away pitching splits.

1. All four #1 Seeds advance

Ok, everyone is excited about this and how it has never happened. The only thing it really does is put a spotlight on people who pick big name, high ranked programs to advance. That and all the women who want to join the pool and not look stupid so they pick all the No. 1 teams.

A-Rod's New Year Extravaganza

2008-01-03T13:01:00Z

So The Authority had a little New Years Party in honor of the whole New Year thing. He invited a lot of ladies and had a pretty big turn out.

The main thing that bothered The Authority was how Alex Rodriguez just showed up to the Carson Daly New Year Celebration. The Authority was in awe. What we mean is that we know A Rod and Lenny Kravitz have the same managers now, but ARod is making public appearances?

After spending sometime on the internet researching this whole debacle we found some very disturbing trends in ARod's New Years Activities. And believe us, the whole showing up on network TV is a debacle because when thinking of a New Year the last thing we want to be reminded of is how bad this last year was in terms of World Series rings not won by the Yankees.

Here are a few pictures we rounded up on the internet, they might just surprise you on how far ARod will go to polish his blemished image.

We totally believe you Roger!

2007-12-19T12:33:00Z

Roger Clemens publicly denied he ever used HGH or steroids yesterday.

The Authority, looking past the checks, the obvious change in physical shape, years of rumors, admission by your friend, and sworn testimony that says the contrary, totally believes you.

Here are a few other things we also believe in this week.

#9 – The Spears family needs another baby. So now the pop diva has messed up her life enough to make the unwed little sister’s pregnancy be forgotten. Ha, this family is the best story of the year.

#8 – If we eat this next donut, chicks will find us more attractive.

#7 – Jessica Simpson was the reason Tony Romo and the Cowboys lost this weekend.

#6 – There will be Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards Men. The Authority resides in New York, son. If you believe this, hop on the 1 train at rush hour and you will see a lot of goodwill towards men and women.

#5 – Isiah Thomas knows what he is doing.

#4 – Jesus, The Authority is giving Jesus scrutiny the week off since his birthday is coming up, and because we want to try out Tim Tebow’s Jesus, especially if it helps us get chicks.

#3 – Tailor Made was the right pick. Hey, The Authority will go on the record and say that we love New York. We just thought you would pick the cool guy, Budda.

#2 – The ProBowl voting is not a popularity contest. There are some pretty new names that didn’t make the list. We thought Derek Anderson and Mario Williams should have been on that list, but half the voted on players won’t show up anyways, so they will be there.

#1 – Santa, hey it is that time of year to believe in a fat man who travels in a flying sleigh and delivers gifts to all of the kids in one night.

Thanks for the support everyone!

2007-12-14T01:48:00Z

So the Mitchell Report was released yesterday.

With all of the press surrounding the event, we did what anyone would do. Throw a bitchin' party. We invited everyone and had nothing but A-List guests, well they were the Armchair list guests.

Here are some of are favorite celeb pics. The Rock said he was, "shocked, but not really that shocked by the list."

"After a few questions Mitchell got a little testy, but I really wanted to see some fire out of him," The Rock said. "The performance, pretty much was a disappointment on all aspects."

The Rock was probably the harshest critic. Television's great white hope from 90210 had a different perspective. "It is great to finally get the truth out, I probably won't put down this report for 6 days," said Preistly. Who was mentioned by accident Roger Cossack. Who later claimed his innocence.

All guests were given a copy at the time of their departure, a complimentary copy of Jose Canseco's book Juiced, a 10% off coupon for GNC, and a free drink coupon to use at a Mets homestand of their choice. But most guests did not leave right away and the party dragged on into the wee hours of the early evening.

By 7 even the craziest Baseball fans had to question what it was all about. There was a little bit of justice today, served with a nice Miller Lite.

Here are a couple of pictures from the inside as George Mitchell rocked our minds and the house with his reports!

A view from the entrance:

From inside the club!

Goodbye Mr. Turner, we miss you already!

2007-12-13T13:34:00Z

The world paused for a moment yesterday as one its favorite son’s passed on. Ike Turner, known for many different things, first made a name for himself when he and his wife, professionally known as Tina Turner, recorded “Proud Mary.”

Now there are a lot of funny stories that The Authority could do about Mr. Turner’s departure, he was heavily influenced by drugs and beat his wife, so we are going to play it cool and celebrate that he was part of one of the greatest music duos ever. But this is a sports website so we are going to do it up right by looking over the top sports duos ever.

#10 – Dan and Dave – In one of the biggest advertising campaigns of 1992, these guys never did anything. Dan didn’t even make it to the Olympics and Dave won a bronze medal, woohoo. But the commercials were great and the story took on a very rich tapestry after Dan failed to clear the High Jump Bar.

#9 – Manny and Papi – The Authority is biased and really cannot stand either one of these players, one is lazy and the other one seems like a gomer, but the numbers stand by them. Two World Series victories, smells like a dynasty if you ask us, the question is, who can beat this team next year? If anyone it will be Manny himself.

#8 – Mario and Jaromir – Mario had established himself in the league for a while when the Pens took a chance, actually it was a sure thing, and drafted a clear complexion Jaromir Jagr. They soon won back to back cups in 1991 and 1992; also Jaromir’s name is an anagram from Mario Jr., hmm.

#7 – Troy and Emmitt – They say that they were actually triplets, but the Authority is tired of Michael Irving always running his mouth and never saying anything, so you’re cut out of this list. We have a Hall of Fame Quarterback and the all-time leading rusher in Emmitt Smith here. They won 3 Superbowls in 4 years and showed why they are America’s team.

#6 – Magic and Kareem – These two guys made basketball in LA cool, like Jack Nicholson cool. One was photogenic and the other was an established actor with films like Game of Death and Airplane!, and both were dynamic on the court. Between the both of them they won 6 championships together.

#5 – Darryl and the Doc – Now in sports terms they were not the most dominant of duos on the list. They did win one championship and get enough hype to win about four more. But these guys could both grab headlines. They both were some of the most feared players in baseball for a lot of years, too bad they feared hard core narcotics and gave into them whenever they had a chance.

#4 – Mark and Wayne – The quintessential captain of any team would be Mark Messier, this guy just knows how to win. When you then team him up with the most prolific scorer in NHL history, magic happens baby! Together they won three championships together and made a name for themselves when they knocked off the 4 time defending champs, New York Islanders, in the finals.

#3 – Joe and Jerry – One was a well known quarterback from Notre Dame, the other was a little known receiver from Mississippi Valley State with hands of gold. Anything Joe threw Jerry’s way he caught it. Matched up in Bill Walsh’s West Coast system the duo would dink and dunk you to death all game long. The duo won two rings together and even though the frequent awful reality television show and underwear ads, are pretty cool guys.

#2 – Scottie and Michael – Together they won six championships, yes six. They were the perfect ying and yang, for all of the flashiness that Michael would give you, Scottie could just spot up and shoot it anywhere on the court. Michael got all of the headlines but it was Scottie and then an “insert 3-point shooter here” who all made up the triangle offense.

#1 – Lou and the Babe – They are the first and the best ever duo. When these two were inserted into a line-up 3-4 they murdered opposing pitching. The pure home-run power of Ruth made you not make any mistakes and if you got past him the all field power of Gehrig was right behind him. And look at the stats, lots of pitchers made lots of mistakes. They won four world series championships together and are still some of the most talked about sports legends today.

A Tribute to the Greatest Hitter Ever, Mr. Barry Bonds

2007-12-11T13:21:00Z

The Authority thinks it is just a shame what is going on with Barry Bonds right now. We all know that the government doesn’t have any evidence to hold the slugger, but they keep trying.

Barry Bonds is in one word the “greatester” hitter ever—the last “er” on the word greatest means that no hitter will ever come along and be better. It just will never happen. The Authority thinks that he is a great player and we have come up with our tribute to Barry, yeah we can just call him Barry, we are tight like that.

10 – Bonds in Court

This is more of a travesty than anything. But look at the way the predominant sports figure of our generation handles himself in the courtroom and with the press. Take notes kids, this guy has it all together, the poise, the swagger, the charm in the court room. Ohh, and the case is a sham.

9 – All-Time Home Run Champ

On most list this achievement would be higher. But you forget we are talking about Barry Bonds and him breaking the all-time home run record was inevitable. And The Authority knew he was going to do it, so we just sat back and and waited for it to happen and of course it did, hey we’re smart like that.

8 – Bonds Goes His Own Way

So Barry is a free agent. So, he is going to get signed and he is going to add to his home run totals. And some new city is going to get to enjoy the greatness. He is a freak of nature who is also our hero. When the Giants announced that they were no longer going forward with Barry, we were happy. That means about 3 more years on his career, because if he stayed with them he would have to get a robotic knee. And yes, they do make them.

7 – Boys will be boys

With the addition of Barry Zito in the 2007 off season, San Francisco gained control of the two most powerful Barry’s in sports, sorry Barry Callaghan of rich soccer fame. The two megastars shared the spotlight quite well. In fact they became fast friends, they even had these great shirts made for eachother.

6 – Bonds is Hollywood

Barry shows that he has friends all over the world and in a number of lucrative markets. When he was asked to be on “90210” he graciously accepted. Note how his golf swing is vaguely familiar. When Bonds is in a scene he steals the show, and what we mean by that is all eyes are on him. Riveting. Also note there was a deleted scene in this episode where Barry takes Donna Martin’s most prized possession away from her in the back of Jaguar.

5 – Barry Won’t Back Down

Ballplayers have huge egos. It is the nature of the sport, to be the best you got to play like you are the best. The only difference is Jeff Kent has a huge mouth and he was messing with the best. So when Barry socked Jeff right in the mouth, we all cheered, because that is how Barry settles his problems.

4 – Bonds hits #71

You know not only is he the All-time home run leader, he also hit the most homeruns in a whole season. This only reassures us that we would definitely want him on any kind of fantasy team, because even in fantasy terms he is greatester.

3 – Bonds signs with the Giants

So yeah, Barry decided to go west and pursue bluer oceans and bigger vineyards when he left Pittsburgh for San Francisco. Here is a tribute video celebrating all of his achievements, but what about Barry just signing with the Giants, this changed a lot of people’s lives.

2 – Bonds in Reality

Barry is the King of bad publicity, but that is cool, most of us fans are able to sift through the bull crap and see that he is the most awesomest player ever, plus a cool guy. So when he said that he was going to do his own reality show to explain himself, we were there. Bonds on Bonds did not only show another side of Barry, it showed him as one of the top ten coolest people ever, watch this promo.

1 – Barry in the Series

Hey, we all make mistakes. And the Giants had a lot of them. When you misplayed that Garrett Anderson bloop single in the 6^th game of the World Series, we weren’t mad at you…we were disappointed in the situation in general. We still love you Barry and we know you will get your ring soon.

Aww, you didn't think you get off that easy!

2007-12-10T13:18:00Z

So The Authority took a little breather and now apologizes, a little bit, you should lay off man. But it is time for that most wonderful part of the week where The Authority bursts into the room, puts on some “Bombs Over Baghdad,” and drops 10 bits of knowledge on your ass!

#10 – Scott Baio got married last week. Thank God! We are just hoping that this leads to no more Scott Baio is old…and no one cares shows. The Authority is tired of these mildly famous celebrities, or homemade celebrities on the television. If Scott Baio was a good actor and people liked him he would still be on TV, the guy is an asshole and no one cares about him, so…he does crappy reality television. Congrats Scott, on the marriage and the trophy case you got, you know I couldn’t leave that out of here.

#9 – There was a lot of clinching going on this week. Why does that sound so funny, clinching? Anyhoo, the Cowboys, Packers, and Seahawks all won their divisions yesterday. Hooray! The Colts also have won enough games to now assuredly be in the Playoffs. It just makes The Authority wonder, why couldn’t these teams be more efficient and have done this like last month like the Patriots did?

#8 – Eric Gagne and LaTroy Hawkins both signed this weekend. The Authority is actually pretty upset about this. We were really hoping that Gagne would stay in the American League, especially Boston. That guy looked like he was throwing batting practice the whole second part of the season. As for LaTroy, if this is all the news the Yankees can muster I am going to have to start buying the Post again; at least they make up good stuff.

#7 – Looking over the edge of the cliff. Everyone says that the Giants are going to choke in the second half of the season. Well from what The Authority saw yesterday, that is not going to happen. This team had pretty miserable appearances against the Cowboys, both times, but they will keep it together and make a pretty good run here at the end.

#6 – Michael Vick faces the music today. The news says he could get 5 years and all of the other people associated with the crimes have got pretty stiff penalties. The Authority doesn’t think he will get 5 years, but he could get 2 years pretty easy.

#5 – Dude, we were looking over some web sites and found out that Xzibit is going to be in the new X-Files movie. The Authority can’t tell you how elated we are that #1 Xzibit is getting real work, not that showing up super high the day of Pimp my Ride stuff he normally calls work and #2 THERE IS GOING TO BE ANOTHER X-FILES MOVIE! Looks like the well finally dried up on David Duchovny.

#4 – Floyd Mayweather knocked you the fuck out man. Sticking up for all of the Americans in the United States, showed what it was to be a real boxer, with real training and real skills. Although the fight lasted 10 rounds, it could have been seen by anyone that the whole time Hatton was outmatched. Mayweather brought quickness to the jab and it seemed like he could get in and out of Hatton like nobody’s business. Keep the string alive Floyd.

#3 – James Dolan says Isiah Thomas’s future is secure with the Knicks. This morning there was an ad for Knicks tickets on ESPN.com, I clicked on it and it was courtside tickets to tonight’s game. Do you think he will keep having security when these $350 tickets keep going unsold?

#2 – We don’t know if anyone else saw this, wait the whole world saw it, Tom Brady talking some shit against the Steelers last night. The Authority had to admit that it was pretty awesome and even though I have the Pats, we love anyone who can talk the talk and walk the walk.

#1 – Barry Bonds says he is not guilty. He has been saying for a long time he hasn’t done anything, so why think that now is anything is different. The Authority is amazed on how big news this was. It was the story, only this time it was in a court room. No matter if it is in Congress or in the locker room he will always be not guilty. Get some proof and maybe he might say something else, but wait…no evidence, well then go along your merry way Mr. Bonds. And The Authority is sticking to its claim that we love Barry Bonds and tomorrow, watch out for our top ten Barry Bonds moments.