Armchair Sports Authority

If Anyone Asks

This is what I think of the Fantasy Football winners in my league.

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A Close "One" For The Huskers

The other day I said I was going to take up a new hobby, but then it dawned on me... I have about 18 other hobbies that I don't spend enough time with, including my sports "hobby," which has been in a lull ever since the New York Yankees beat the Philadelphia Phillies in the sixth game of the World Series... ah sweetness.


Anyhoo, I have been most fortunate to catch many Nebraska games this year. Many of them have been on the television here in New York City which helped me follow the dominance of one man, Ndamukong Suh. Trust me I have watched all of the great Nebraska players over my brief tenure as a Nebraska fan, 31 years is still a short tenure compared to most. But I have never seen someone blow-up a line of scrimmage every time like he does, and I have created players on video games that don't dominate the way he does.

In one word he is remarkable. And for the first time in a few years I was able to wash the bad taste that is Bill Callahan out of my mouth last night. Suh, might be the only thing he ever did right. But before I get on the phone and send an Edible Arrangement to Bill's house in New Jersey (and yes most every Sunday I get to watch him on the Jet sideline, YEAH!), I want to think about the number 1.

They were one drive away from beating Virginia Tech, they were one fumble away from beating Iowa State, and most importantly they were one second away from beating the Texas Longhorns and winning the Big12 Championship.

I know in life you can't look back and regret, but you can look back and learn. This team will do just that. Later today we will find out where the Nebraska Cornhuskers will be bowling this year, which will probably be the Holiday Bowl. And at least that game is late enough this year that I will be able to forget that the Big 10 somehow got two BCS bids this year and will lose both of them, handily.

Ohh and after the three hour drubbing he put on the Texas Longhorns, was I the only waiting for Suh to come behind and sack McCoy again when he held up the Big 12 Championship trophy? I mean it was only fitting, being as Suh had made him his prison bitch all night.

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Overheard on YES Network Cameras

What Rod Barajas really said to piss off Jorge Posada...



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We Should Have Thought Of This Years Ago!

With the success in the media that the Joe Torre and Tom Verducci’s book is getting, other former Yankees, pre non-disparagement clause, are rushing to their book publishers to get their memoirs published.

From the information that we were able to gather we selected some of our favorite clips from people who have taken in during he Yankee windfall but still had the audacity to say these mean things about the Yankees. They may be true but they will definitely create their own kind of buzz.

Gary Sheffield – RF

“Drove to the stadium this morning and traffic was awful, probably because they knew a black guy was coming to the stadium. Once I was in the clubhouse the toilet was out of toilet paper, they always doing that to the black man, probably Torre’s idea. Then I had to go out and play Right Field, definitely Joe’s idea and because I am black. Got a homerun in the sixth that drove in 3 runs and we won the game, but Randy Johnson got player of the game because he threw a shut out and I am black. But at the end of the day I love the Yankees because I’m a paper chaser”

Carl Pavano – SP 

“Today was a beautiful July morning in Tampa. I awoke at 11 AM and made myself some toast. While buttering the toast I felt tightness in my shoulder, I went over to my to-do list and put down SEE THE TRAINER and thought about visiting the east coast later this month. It has been three years since I have been to New York and I bet the guys would love to see me, they always say things like 'nice to see you' and 'long time no see'.”

Jason Giambi – IB/DH

“Thinking about going out tonight and it has been a couple of rough days on the singles scene so maybe I will wear the thong. I haven’t hit a baseball in over two weeks; so maybe I’ll try the thong. I wonder if A-Rod still has it. I still can’t get over what a great idea this thong is and with the money that the Yankees are paying me I should get a real gold thong. You know throw my money away just like the Steinbrenners did. But, all I have to do is watch some more baseballs go by and eventually all my slumps go away. I never needed this in Oakland. There it was just my trusted personal trainer, my vitamins and I hit the ball a long way”


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Why I Don't Believe a Word of What Stephon Marbury Says.

If I had
it to do all over again, there are a lot of changes I might make, but number one would be having started a blog devoted to Stephon Marbury. One where we track him with top notch reporting and GPS and Google maps and the whole nine-yards, even be able to see when he is at his “better hoes’” place of residence.

He has been the topic on this blog so many times we have lost count, our just failed to count. But thinking about his early this year and last year saga that is Starbury, I could have made millions just being an expert on him — and bought lots of his shoes.

Anyways, ESPN recently interviewed the off-again Knick about what he is up to and what his plans are. Steph keeps saying that he did nothing wrong and if the Knicks would let him out of his contract he could pick between playing for the Heat and Celtics this year.

How’s come I am the only one that sees through this? Of course he would make a great bench addition to either team. But do the teams really want him? Have they really been talking to him?
I find that hard to believe. But in Steph’s mind it makes perfect sense and it is an important bargaining chip against the Knicks. But if the whole squabble over a million or 3 dollars, then why aren’t the Celtics stepping up and saying, “Don’t worry about it, we will get you.” I mean after all it is the difference of two million dollars which in the NBA is nothing.

If you ask me, he is full of it, and the Knicks know it. No one wants his services, except maybe that Greek team, and his attitude in the club house and the press he brings with him is enough to disturb any well oil machine trying to make a playoff run.

Remember he went to the press first and you're going to hear it here first, “Starbury, you’re full of shit!”


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Finally Andy signs with the Yankees

We all knew it was a matter of time. He always seems to be a late bloomer when it comes to Free Agent signing. To think that he was dangling other interests out there for the same money he got from the Yankees is ludicrous. No one takes less money to sign with the Yankees. But Petitte will be a perfect fit for a rotation that might need innings, they say you can't predict injuries but after last year you got to figure that one of these big four, Burnett, Sabathia, Wang and Petitte will go down with something serious. My bet, is easy money and I predict it now the your next American Idle, A.J. Burnett.

Call me crazy.

Am I the only one thinking though they have to figure out what is going on in the outfield. And why in the hell do they keep dangling Xavier Nady? He is relatively cheap and is going to be a great hitter depending on where Posada finds himself in the line-up. He hits for average, plays great D and takes walks, we need this guy.

But a Damon/Swisher/Cabrera/Matsui Platoon in center and left scares me. None of them are a good fit together and there is nothing redeeming from any of them, with the exception that Matsui and Damon, who are great DHs. 

But we are going into the season strong, now if they would just open up ticket packages I could plan my summer.



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Why I like Kurt Warner

You know why we like Kurt Warner, because he doesn't want anything except to play football. He don't want his own reality show. He don't want to date pop/country singers. His speeches always thank Christ and that is cool because that is who he has always been, he hasn't changed. But at the end of the day he is a football player and that alone makes him a great role model. He isn't hiding anything and everything he has set his mond to he has accomplished at great levels.

From his background, I am not even going into his whole background, I am sure we will hear about it a million and a half times in the next few days, but here is a Woot! For the Hy-Vee on University in Cedar Falls, their Chinese is f***ing awesome. But besides that he has become a 2-time NFL MVP, going on his 3rd SuperBowl appearance, he is a leader on the field and will be the starting quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals this Sunday, Yes the Arizona Cardinals. Warner makes the best of his situations though, he made the Rams the greatest show on turf and now the Cardinals look like a team that can win it all. But think about it, two of the lowliest franchises ever in the NFL, (not to mention the mentoring he did of Eli Manning in the middle) St. Louis fresh off of trading their best player Jerome Bettis and the Cardinals letting go of their franchise player of Jake Plummer, here comes Kurt Warner, not expected to be any better than a back-up Quarterback and lead his team not only to vistroy, but to championships. He believed in himself and it showed on the field. And his teams followed him.

He throws an ugly ball, he was supposed to retire twice now, but when it comes down to it I am proud of fellow University Northern Iowa Alumni, Kurtis Eugene Warner.



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The Top 5 Worst Yankees Free Agent Pitchers of All Time

What recession? By dumping a behemoth-sized pile of cash in front of C.C. to sway him back to the East, the Yankees simply did what they had to do. Yes, the contract is huge, and Sabathia’s waistline is huge, but if he brings October glory into the new stadium, none of that will matter.

Now that we have a legitimate ace on the staff, the prospect of Opening Day 2009 grows even more exciting. To appreciate just how important of an accomplishment this is for Brian Cashman and the boys, let’s take a look back at some of the all-out misfires the Yankees have made in the not-too-distant past while testing the free agent waters for starting pitching.

Warning: Some of the following names may induce severe bouts of rage and/or depression for the average Yankees fan. Please proceed with caution.

5. Kenny Rogers (1996). “The Gambler” spent just two seasons in the Bronx before being traded to Oakland for the infamous “player to be named later,” and never quite lived up to the buzz that stemmed from tossing a perfect game for the Rangers in 1994. Sure, the Yankees won their first World Series in 18 years during Rogers’ first season in pinstripes, but this was no thanks to Kenny, who never reached later than the third inning of any of his postseason starts that year. As everyone in Yankeeland knows, October futility will get you shipped out of town faster than Julia Roberts’ run on Broadway (unless you make $25 million a year and have fabulous highlights in your hair).

Since leaving the Yankees, Rogers showed why he doesn’t belong on America’s Team by doing his best Sean Penn/Randy Johnson impersonation and attacking an on-field cameraman during a pre-game warm-up in 2005. A silver lining in this failed acquisition? That “player to be named later” from Oakland turned out to be 1998 World Series MVP Scott Brosius. Thanks, Kenny.

4. Jaret Wright (2004). Did Brian Cashman bump his head and think he was back in 1997 when he pursued Wright to help bolster the Yankees rotation four years ago? Long gone was the cocky Cleveland Indian fireballer who flustered the Bronx Bombers in his first ever postseason appearance (’97 ALDS). Instead, Yankees fans were treated to a fifth starter who took the phrase “laboring on the mound” to a brand new level. With one eye glued to the scoreboard at the old stadium you would almost, almost, feel bad for the guy as the number on the Duane Reade pitch-counter climbed into the 40s and even 50s in just the second inning.

Watching Jaret Wright trying to retire the side was like watching Jimmy Fallon attempting to make it through a sketch on Saturday Night Live without smirking or even cracking up altogether. They would both make you shudder with disgust.

So, where is this mistake of an acquisition now? After failing to make the pitching-challenged Pittsburgh Pirates squad last spring, Wright is looking for work and wondering why Cashman won’t return his phone calls anymore.

3. Jose Contreras (2003). After a bidding war with the rival Red Sox to acquire the services of Cuban defector Contreras, the Yankees were hoping they had scooped up another Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez, a crafty professional who would slide seamlessly into an already stout starting rotation of Clemens, Pettitte, Mussina and Wells. Well, let’s just say that didn’t exactly happen. Contreras showed flashes of capability, but never really felt comfortable performing under the bright lights of Broadway.

The big righty’s worst moment in pinstripes came in pivotal Game 5 of the 2003 World Series against the Marlins. When starter David Wells went down with an injury after just one inning, Contreras came on in “relief” to promptly get rocked for three quick runs in the second, setting the tone for the rest of the game.

The biggest burn of the Contreras signing? After giving up on the overpriced hurler, the Yankees traded him along with cash to the White Sox during the 2004 season, only receiving (gulp) Esteban Loaiza in return. Contreras found a rebirth in Chicago and went on to help the Sox win the World Series in 2005. We don’t need to mention how the Yankees have fared since then.

2. Kei Igawa (2007). Oh no, the Red Sox just forked over big bucks to sign a Japanese pitcher, now we have to get one too. Such was the thinking when the Yankees shelled out $26 million just to talk to Igawa about signing a 4-year, $20 million contract. Add everything up and you get . . . the highest paid Triple-A pitcher in the history of baseball.

Is there anything more to say about this one? Someone, anyone, please just take him away!

1. Carl Pavano (2004). Who else could claim the top spot but Mr. “American Idle” Pavano himself? No-brainer. Hey, this guy had his own MRI wing named after him at the Yankees’ training facilities in Tampa. Let’s do the rundown: bad shoulder, balky back, bone chip in the elbow and even a strained buttocks (come on, that just sounds made up). All of these obstacles kept Pavano from toeing the rubber during his 4-year tenure in the Bronx. And if that wasn’t enough, who can forget the time the righty broke two ribs after spinning his Porsche into a parked truck, then failed to report the accident to either the police or anyone from the Yankees organization? There has to be something more to this story that we don’t know about. Like, was Amy Winehouse riding shotgun or something?

No one could blame Cashman and The Boss for throwing money at Pavano—he was the most sought-after free agent starter on the market at the end of the 2004 season, not to mention a Yankee-stopper in the 2003 World Series while pitching for the Marlins—but seriously, how could this one have turned out any worse? Pavano jumps out of the bullpen and picks a fistfight with one of the right field Bleacher Creatures?

Now that it’s all said and done, and Pavano’s stint with the Yankees has mercifully drawn to a close, the final numbers speak for themselves on what a colossal bust this signing turned out to be: 4 years, 26 games started, 9-8, 5.00 ERA. When the dust settles, Carl walks away from all of this with a cool $39.95 million in his pocket. That equates to roughly $1.54 million per start. A few more financial debacles like this one, and the Yankees may be next in line for a federal bailout.

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The Monday Morning Call Out

Please let it be known that The Authority wants to be calling out Yankees in October. But not just for these reasons. Mr. Chamberlain's arrest is ridiculous. I mean we all know there are only two things to do in Nebraska and those are watch football and drink beer. Hey it is in the Kool-aid. But driving home afterwords is a very bad decision. Which could follow the protocol of one of those ABC after-school specials where somebody gets hurt very badly in an accident of thoat kind, and their best-friend dies and then they start a chapter of MADD or something like that. But in a word the whole thing is, STUPID.

What it all goes back to how successful do you want to be Joba? Do you want to become the next Carl Pavanno? Or do you want to be like Andy Pettite (minus the HGH thing of course)? I mean we all like blow-jobs in the front seats of our sports cars from models like Mr. Pavanno, but when they lead toseason-ending injuries they could be thought of as a bad idea. And you don't have to spend you're entire off-season working out like Pettite (hopefully minus the whole Roger Clemens thing) but just be smart. And if you do put out a work-out video with another player, please have someone watch over it and make sure that it doesn't have homoerotic overtones. We thank you in advance for that.

That is what the whole decision comes down to. Of course your sorry. And of course you deserve a second chance, I mean hell you're on a team known for 4th and 5th chances if you're good enough. But for now let's save those chances until your 32 or so. I mean hell The Authority just bought your pinstripes, we don't want to go out and have to buy you're prison oranges too.

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Ten bits of knowledge “The Authority” is about to drop on your ass!

10. Pavlik Versus Hopkins is this weekend. Bernard Hopkins has officially wasted The Authority’s Pay-Per-View dollar the last three times he has fought, unless you count the hillarity of the gimp mask that he was wearing a few years ago. But we like Kelly Pavlik, ohh the drama! Never mind the fact that Pavlik is in his prime and is an excellent fighter, he still cannot make this fight worth the buy, or worth our time.

9. The Big 12 is strong this year because College Football is cyclical. What part of this do people not understand? Teams can only hand-out 85 scholarships so there is no more stockpiling of talent like there was back in the ‘90s. So the only way to build a dynasty is to have Pete Carroll and offer classes on the beach.

8. Brett Favre was actually calling to talk to someone else at Tony Romo’s house when he called the Quarterback. But being the gunslinger that he is he was able to regroup himself enough to make it seem like he was calling to be a nice guy. But come on, you want me to believe that he called to tell him that everything would be alright after breaking his pinky and making the Cowboys play Brad Johnson.

7. Hey basketball is starting! Yippee! We are here trying to plan the rest of our year because we can hardly contain ourselves. But the main question should be is why if the Knicks are so bad doesn't Madison Square Garden start offering cheaper beer specials. The place is like a museum, let's get drunk and make some goddamn noise!

6. Cowboys making news all over the place. So with one hand the lord (Roger Goodell) suspends Adam "He said not to call him Pac-Man anymore" Jones for four games and then they go out and make a terrible decision in trading the farm away from Roy Williams. I mean Roy is a great player but 1,3,6 for their 7th round pick, I couldn't even get Madden to accept that one.

5. The Red Sox are pressing and it shows. As comfortable as they have looked in the Post-season the last few years and even the first round of this year, they are pressing. If anyone remebers what the Yankees have looked like in the last few years remembers that you can't make up 7 runs with one swing of the bat.

4.The new season of VH1 reality television makes it difficult to watch Sunday and Monday Night Football. Not only do they bring back all of the skanks and worst women of the last two seasons of Rock of Love, they bring the worst person ever on I Love New York too by giving him his own show, ugh. They can't call it celeb-reality when they start harvesting their own celebrities, OK?

3. A Dodger exit. The Phillies are up 3-1 and the Dodgers seem to be teetering on the edge. The worst part is that they aren't even playing bad baseball or anything. We can't even try to come up with big playoff game cliches like "they aren't manufacturing runs" or "they are not getting clutch hits," because they are, but they are still losing.

2. Braylon Edwards finally makes an appearence on our Fantasy Football scoreboard. This season is awful and the gem of a pick that fell to the third round for us in Braylon Edwards, made us cry every week so far. Then we were out talking smack to our friends when we see Mr. Edwards make a comeback to the NFL and then, and only then did we package him up and try to trade him off.

1. Welcome back Michael Vick, but we don't want you. We here find it hilarious that Mr. Blank thinks that Michael Vick deserves another chance in the NFL, just not with the Atlanta Falcons. We find it hilarious that he would tell other people that hiring a felon is fine, but he won't do it himself. And we find hilarious that he is acting as a mentor, but the the only thing he will do is fill out a letter of recommendation.


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