What recession? By dumping a behemoth-sized pile of cash in front of C.C. to sway him back to the East, the Yankees simply did what they had to do. Yes, the contract is huge, and Sabathia’s waistline is huge, but if he brings October glory into the new stadium, none of that will matter.

Now that we have a legitimate ace on the staff, the prospect of Opening Day 2009 grows even more exciting. To appreciate just how important of an accomplishment this is for Brian Cashman and the boys, let’s take a look back at some of the all-out misfires the Yankees have made in the not-too-distant past while testing the free agent waters for starting pitching.

Warning: Some of the following names may induce severe bouts of rage and/or depression for the average Yankees fan. Please proceed with caution.

5. Kenny Rogers (1996). “The Gambler” spent just two seasons in the Bronx before being traded to Oakland for the infamous “player to be named later,” and never quite lived up to the buzz that stemmed from tossing a perfect game for the Rangers in 1994. Sure, the Yankees won their first World Series in 18 years during Rogers’ first season in pinstripes, but this was no thanks to Kenny, who never reached later than the third inning of any of his postseason starts that year. As everyone in Yankeeland knows, October futility will get you shipped out of town faster than Julia Roberts’ run on Broadway (unless you make $25 million a year and have fabulous highlights in your hair).

Since leaving the Yankees, Rogers showed why he doesn’t belong on America’s Team by doing his best Sean Penn/Randy Johnson impersonation and attacking an on-field cameraman during a pre-game warm-up in 2005. A silver lining in this failed acquisition? That “player to be named later” from Oakland turned out to be 1998 World Series MVP Scott Brosius. Thanks, Kenny.

4. Jaret Wright (2004). Did Brian Cashman bump his head and think he was back in 1997 when he pursued Wright to help bolster the Yankees rotation four years ago? Long gone was the cocky Cleveland Indian fireballer who flustered the Bronx Bombers in his first ever postseason appearance (’97 ALDS). Instead, Yankees fans were treated to a fifth starter who took the phrase “laboring on the mound” to a brand new level. With one eye glued to the scoreboard at the old stadium you would almost, almost, feel bad for the guy as the number on the Duane Reade pitch-counter climbed into the 40s and even 50s in just the second inning.

Watching Jaret Wright trying to retire the side was like watching Jimmy Fallon attempting to make it through a sketch on Saturday Night Live without smirking or even cracking up altogether. They would both make you shudder with disgust.

So, where is this mistake of an acquisition now? After failing to make the pitching-challenged Pittsburgh Pirates squad last spring, Wright is looking for work and wondering why Cashman won’t return his phone calls anymore.

The big righty’s worst moment in pinstripes came in pivotal Game 5 of the 2003 World Series against the Marlins. When starter David Wells went down with an injury after just one inning, Contreras came on in “relief” to promptly get rocked for three quick runs in the second, setting the tone for the rest of the game.

The biggest burn of the Contreras signing? After giving up on the overpriced hurler, the Yankees traded him along with cash to the White Sox during the 2004 season, only receiving (gulp) Esteban Loaiza in return. Contreras found a rebirth in Chicago and went on to help the Sox win the World Series in 2005. We don’t need to mention how the Yankees have fared since then.

2. Kei Igawa (2007). Oh no, the Red Sox just forked over big bucks to sign a Japanese pitcher, now we have to get one too. Such was the thinking when the Yankees shelled out $26 million just to talk to Igawa about signing a 4-year, $20 million contract. Add everything up and you get . . . the highest paid Triple-A pitcher in the history of baseball.

Is there anything more to say about this one? Someone, anyone, please just take him away!

No one could blame Cashman and The Boss for throwing money at Pavano—he was the most sought-after free agent starter on the market at the end of the 2004 season, not to mention a Yankee-stopper in the 2003 World Series while pitching for the Marlins—but seriously, how could this one have turned out any worse? Pavano jumps out of the bullpen and picks a fistfight with one of the right field Bleacher Creatures?

Now that it’s all said and done, and Pavano’s stint with the Yankees has mercifully drawn to a close, the final numbers speak for themselves on what a colossal bust this signing turned out to be: 4 years, 26 games started, 9-8, 5.00 ERA. When the dust settles, Carl walks away from all of this with a cool $39.95 million in his pocket. That equates to roughly $1.54 million per start. A few more financial debacles like this one, and the Yankees may be next in line for a federal bailout.

10. Pavlik Versus Hopkins is this weekend. Bernard Hopkins has officially wasted The Authority’s Pay-Per-View dollar the last three times he has fought, unless you count the hillarity of the gimp mask that he was wearing a few years ago. But we like Kelly Pavlik, ohh the drama! Never mind the fact that Pavlik is in his prime and is an excellent fighter, he still cannot make this fight worth the buy, or worth our time.

9. The Big 12 is strong this year because College Football is cyclical. What part of this do people not understand? Teams can only hand-out 85 scholarships so there is no more stockpiling of talent like there was back in the ‘90s. So the only way to build a dynasty is to have Pete Carroll and offer classes on the beach.

8. Brett Favre was actually calling to talk to someone else at Tony Romo’s house when he called the Quarterback. But being the gunslinger that he is he was able to regroup himself enough to make it seem like he was calling to be a nice guy. But come on, you want me to believe that he called to tell him that everything would be alright after breaking his pinky and making the Cowboys play Brad Johnson.

7. Hey basketball is starting! Yippee! We are here trying to plan the rest of our year because we can hardly contain ourselves. But the main question should be is why if the Knicks are so bad doesn't Madison Square Garden start offering cheaper beer specials. The place is like a museum, let's get drunk and make some goddamn noise!

6. Cowboys making news all over the place. So with one hand the lord (Roger Goodell) suspends Adam "He said not to call him Pac-Man anymore" Jones for four games and then they go out and make a terrible decision in trading the farm away from Roy Williams. I mean Roy is a great player but 1,3,6 for their 7th round pick, I couldn't even get Madden to accept that one.

5. The Red Sox are pressing and it shows. As comfortable as they have looked in the Post-season the last few years and even the first round of this year, they are pressing. If anyone remebers what the Yankees have looked like in the last few years remembers that you can't make up 7 runs with one swing of the bat.

4.The new season of VH1 reality television makes it difficult to watch Sunday and Monday Night Football. Not only do they bring back all of the skanks and worst women of the last two seasons of Rock of Love, they bring the worst person ever on I Love New York too by giving him his own show, ugh. They can't call it celeb-reality when they start harvesting their own celebrities, OK?

3. A Dodger exit. The Phillies are up 3-1 and the Dodgers seem to be teetering on the edge. The worst part is that they aren't even playing bad baseball or anything. We can't even try to come up with big playoff game cliches like "they aren't manufacturing runs" or "they are not getting clutch hits," because they are, but they are still losing.

2. Braylon Edwards finally makes an appearence on our Fantasy Football scoreboard. This season is awful and the gem of a pick that fell to the third round for us in Braylon Edwards, made us cry every week so far. Then we were out talking smack to our friends when we see Mr. Edwards make a comeback to the NFL and then, and only then did we package him up and try to trade him off.

1. Welcome back Michael Vick, but we don't want you. We here find it hilarious that Mr. Blank thinks that Michael Vick deserves another chance in the NFL, just not with the Atlanta Falcons. We find it hilarious that he would tell other people that hiring a felon is fine, but he won't do it himself. And we find hilarious that he is acting as a mentor, but the the only thing he will do is fill out a letter of recommendation.

It's official. Boston's win over Cleveland Tuesday night formally knocked the Yankees from playing postseason baseball for the first time since the strike-shortened 1994 season. Of course, it's felt pretty darn official for weeks, but now we can finally put a big fat "failure" stamp on the Yankees' 2008 campaign. We shouldn't be that surprised, should we? After all, Hank Steinbrenner told loyal New York fans before the season started that they would have to be patient as the Yankees entered this "transition" period, then began talking about looking ahead towards next season before the calendar had even reached August. Guess we all should have listened to the Baby Boss and tuned out this year while the most expensive "transition" team in history worked out its issues, often doing so in an embarrassing fashion. Surely time would have been better spent taking the season off and watching the everlasting saga of "Brett Favre: Will he? Or won't he?" while sprinkling in a handful of car commercials that show us how exciting and environmentally conscious it is to get 28 mpg on the highway. Hell, that's what everyone else wanted to watch, at least if you believe ESPN.

1. No Beer in the Bleachers. This buzz-killing regulation, handed down years ago in an attempt to quell some of the rowdiness in right field, will no doubt carry over to the new stadium, but that doesn't mean we can't complain about it. For over a century now, baseball has been about (among other things) fans having a few beers while watching the game. It's as important to the sport as the bunt, the sacrifice fly, and even the excessive crotch-grab. But these prohibition-style rules have forced the most dyed-in-the-wool Yankees fans to resort to desperate measures just to have a drink during the game. There's nothing like sitting in the bleachers and enjoying a hot dog, a bag of peanuts, and . . . a smuggled in 20-ounce bottle of Coke mixed with Bacardi? That just doesn't sound right. If the Empire can't give us a postseason team, shouldn't they at least give us a couple of beers out there?
2. The Atari-like Graphics of the Jumbo-Tron. Every time Hideki Matsui gets a hit, the big screen projects the words "HIT-DEKI!" next to a giant image of the smiling outfielder made up of a yellow dot-matrix configuration that reminds us all how much time has passed the old stadium by. Remember how exciting it was the first time you printed out a "Happy Birthday!" banner that you composed using Print Shop on your Apple IIg computer in 1984? Yeah, well, that's what this looks like. If we have to endure yet another hike in ticket prices at the most expensive baseball stadium in the country, can we at least get a few colors on that board?
3. The Closet-Sized Hallways. Trying to walk through the overcrowded lines of refreshment-seekers and supply-filled pushcarts conjures up images of Barry Sanders circa 1991, cutting and weaving his way through the opposing team's secondary. Sure, almost every game is sold out, but do the Yankee Stadium tunnels have to feel like Times Square in July? Here's hoping the architects drew up some more floor space in the new stadium so we don't have to worry about bumping into that fat guy wearing the Giambi jersey and spilling mustard all over our shoes.
4. The Pretzel Situation. Ever get a craving for a Jumbo Stadium Pretzel during the third inning? But then you make your way past the madness to have one of the following things happen: (a) "Sorry, folks. It's gonna be about 15 more minutes before the pretzels are ready." (b) You wait semi-patiently in an enormous line only to finally reach the stand and see just a pile of broken pretzel fragments remaining. (c) You return to your seat, all ready to enjoy your pretzel, but your first bite tells you that it's even colder than your beer. Come on, people, how tough is it to bake a pretzel and keep the thing warm for longer than a few minutes? Is this the best we can do?
5. The (Tragic) Ghosts of Yankee Stadium. We all know how the ghosts have come out to somehow help the Yankees perfrom miracles on the field, but let's not forget that not all of these ghosts have been kind to the Bronx Bombers. One in particular still seems to be haunting this team, and that, of course, is the 4-game collapse at the hands of the hated Red Sox in the 2004 ALCS. Sorry to bring that up. Man, that still stings. Can we just get this season over with already? Who do the Giants play next?